I was raised to be “tough.” My Irish/Italian, New York upbringing lead me to develop a decent amount of attitude and a smart mouth. My big brothers made sure that under no circumstances would I allow another person or situation to have any kind of power over me.

Emotional awareness through practicing mindfulness and meditation has lead me to challenge and intentionally unlearn many core beliefs including this idea that physical and mental toughness were more admirable qualities than any kind of vulnerability. It isn’t just my childhood that has contributed to this story; regardless of your geographic location or psychosocial history, many of us abide by this principle.  

The idea that we need others to treat us with respect causes us a lot of suffering. We are quick to deliver a colorful comment or hand gesture when someone cuts us off on the parkway. How dare they? We lash out and do not respond well to criticism – or the absolute biggest offense - rejection. We spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to protect our ego. 

This predicament perpetuates and even encourages a defensive position, unwilling to let ourselves be distracted even momentarily in fear of the possibility of attack on our delicate self-image. And we absolutely love relaying stories of the time we told so-and-so off. We get high on it.  

Why do we do this? So that we do not appear “weak.” Weakness is a first-class offense because of the previously mentioned ideals we have absorbed through previous generations. 

“Real strength is not in power, money, or weapons, but in deep, inner peace.” - Thich Nhat Hanh 

The idea that any person on the planet does not have weaknesses is completely ludicrous and unrealistic. Working hard to cover up our soft spots will take our entire lifetime because at no point will they ever disappear completely. It can become exhausting and it’s nothing but fear of others seeing us in our psychological birthday suit. Imagine what we were really thinking and feeling was on display? Terrifying! We’ve all been conditioned to cover up anything we feel we may be judged for. It’s easy and second nature at this point. What about a new approach? Soften. Cry. Open up. Let yourself be vulnerable. Be human. This is true strength. 

The idea is peace not perfection, right? If not, you’re reading the wrong blog. Get cut off. Let someone flip you the bird. Someone wants to insult your intellect and physical appearance? Go right ahead. Who cares? Some people don’t even realize when they are hurting others because they are too deep into their own pain and delusions. It’s important to remember that anyone that is at peace with themselves does not intentionally hurt others.

Working yourself up over anything is the opposite of experiencing peace. The negative emotions you generate in these situations – jealousy, hatred, anger, etc., are hindrances to the equanimity you desire. Let them be, they will pass. Being able to withstand these feeling states without getting tangled up in them is more of a testament to your character than your ability to “get even.” I am in no way encouraging you to endure abuse, but next time you want to have an aggressive response to an attack on your ego, observe this pattern that you fall into so easily and consider a new approach. Lighten up, life’s not that serious and you’re not that big of a deal. None of us are.

Oh, one last thing – I’m still working on that smart mouth.