“I am not what I think I am,
and I am not what you think I am.
I am what I think you think I am.”

– Charles Horton Cooley

This quote really hit me when I came across it a few weeks ago (via the amazing Jay Shetty). Much of our incessant stream of thought is about what others might be thinking… about us.

How often do you choose what you’re wearing, what you say, the pictures you post, the places you go, the partners you pursue, or some type of achievement because of what you would like others to think of you? How someone views us is really a reflection of their personal experiences and past conditioning, which dictates the way they see the world – including you. When you think about it this way, it’s silly to form ideas about yourself based on another’s perception. I think all of us on some level know we have absolutely no control over someone else’s judgment, yet we still try so damn hard to impress each other.

Maybe I’m alone in this, but I seriously doubt it. After many years of disordered eating, I gave up restrictive dieting and gained some weight back. Naturally, thoughts about what those who knew me when I was very thin would think and say were, and often still are, relentless. Without a strong mindfulness practice, namely the ability to observe thoughts without identifying with them, I would still be in a constant anxious and fearful state of mind.

This is exactly how we create our own mental prisons. We hold ourselves to extreme standards in order to feel significant in some way so that we can label ourselves, and hope that others might see as well, that we are smart, funny, hard-working, high-achieving, attractive, or worthy. We want to feel worthy of the good opinions of others. This is completely innocent and even natural to our species, yet I think it takes away from our authenticity, and we cause ourselves a lot of anxiety, depression, and unnecessary stress.

There is no peace in the pursuit of perfection, there is only fear, which is just another word for anxiety.

Are you striving to prove something about yourself? Maybe you don’t struggle with this at all. Maybe you are one of the few people that “don’t care what anyone thinks,” which I have a hard time believing. And for the rest of us normal people, we care a lot about what the world thinks, or at least a select few.

We must do our best to bring our attention to this process, and see how it keeps us stressed, striving to live up to an identity we think will make us feel satisfied and significant. If we can see that clearly, without the need to act on it, and if we can be more committed to living authentically, to loving ourselves and others because we are all in this together, we all might just be a little, or a lot, happier.

May we all remember that we are enough as we are, and that there is a deeper part of ourselves that cannot be damaged or labeled in any conventional way. The essence of who we are is truly perfect.