Apple pie, chocolate cake, and shortbread, oh my!

The holiday season was always just one giant anxiety attack in my binge-eating days. My experiences have shown me that holiday parties, office parties, and gatherings of friends were all accompanied by abundant food, drinks, and desserts. This (very first-world) problem led to a significant personal problem for me. At this time I was still quite controlling about what I ate and how much I exercised, so these holiday parties, and especially the actual holidays themselves, threatened the tight grip of control that I had on my eating.

I want to embarrass myself and share a story from Christmas 2015. My family knew what a lunatic I was at this point, and some of them would playfully make fun of the food scale that I PACKED IN MY SUITCASE when I came home for the weekend. Still to this day my brother rips on me for asking restaurant waiters how many ounces the salmon was. I had to track it in MyFitnessPal, duh. So, back to Christmas.

My aunt was way nicer about my … preferences. These preferences included not eating anything with any oil, butter, or sauce I couldn’t identify every ingredient in or anything that added calories to my meal. It was all too risky. I needed to know where every calorie was coming from. I needed to track, weigh, and measure. I needed to control. So my aunt, being the hostess she is and wanting everyone to feel like they could enjoy the food they most wanted at our Christmas meal, was sure to steam me some shrimp so I could eat that day. So that’s what I had for Christmas dinner – not the meats, veggies, and potatoes cooked to perfection that were okay foods to eat – just some steamed shrimp. I skipped dessert and probably prided myself on my self-control.

Later that night, when I got home, I tore into the leftovers, especially the cookies and pies. I consumed thousands of calories in one sitting, at midnight, on Christmas, by myself.

Here are all the things I did that led to this episode of binge eating and I hope that you will take this information and apply it to your own life so you don’t end up stuffed with sugar and regret on your next holiday. Once I list all the dysfunctional behaviors and twisted thoughts that led me here, I’ll share some things you can do to help bring in more balance this year.

Here’s what I did that year, and what I encourage you NOT to do if you want to skip the binge-induced shame spiral this holiday…

• I overexercised almost daily, making my body tired, malnourished, and craving calories
• I counted, weighed and tracked every morsel that went into my body, creating a lot of anxiety around food and a lack of trust in myself
• I was disconnected from my body and relied on an app to tell me when or how much I was allowed to eat
• I felt threatened by food rather than grateful for the nourishment
• I “saved” up calories to be able to eat more food at dinner, just in case I wanted to (this meant I likely had only eaten egg whites and broccoli that day)
• I got into a “Fuck it” mentality and rationalized why it was okay to binge
• I didn’t manage the stress and anxiety that came with the holiday season, or just the holiday stress in general
• I focused more on staying in shape than on the people around me and making meaningful connections and memories

So, friends, here is my list of what you can do to move through your holidays a little more peacefully:

1. Don’t Show Up Starving
   I don’t mean eat your own food so you don’t have to eat any once you get there. Eating a normal breakfast or lunch like any other day will help you eat mindfully once you arrive. You’re setting yourself up to overeat at dinner if you don’t nourish your body earlier in the day.
2. Focus on Present Moment Choices
   Oftentimes we will either “save up” our calories for a heavier meal later in the day or we will “make up for” what we ate at a holiday meal in the days that follow. This sets us up to overeat or get into a binge/restrict cycle.
3. Stay Connected to Your Body
   If you want to practice eating more intuitively and make those present moment food choices, you must learn that your body is your guide. Stop making choices about what to eat based on your thoughts and what you think you should or shouldn’t eat and start paying more attention to your body’s cues and preferences.
4. Avoid the Extremes
   In order to avoid the F-it mentality, I encourage you to remember that the more you take on this “on the wagon (January) /off the wagon (December)” approach, the more you perpetuate this cycle. Phases of off the wagon are always followed by on the wagon and vice versa. Another way to say this is that restriction is always followed by bingeing and control is always followed by a loss of control. 
5. Eat the Foods That Sing to You
   If and when the holiday season presents opportunities to strengthen connections with people you love and create new joyful memories, please, I beg you, do not let food and weight anxiety get in the way of you being present and enjoying your life. At your next holiday take a few slow deep breaths before you select the foods you most want to eat. What sings to you? Eat without guilt, but with mindfulness. This isn’t an excuse for a free-for-all, but full permission to eat the foods that satisfy you. If you’re eating slowly, putting your utensils down in between bites, and tasting and experiencing the food, you don’t have to worry about bingeing. Eat, pay attention, and respect when your body tells you it’s had enough.
6. Increase your self-care
   Holidays can be stressful! Don’t get caught in the chaos of holiday shopping, eating, drinking, and increased family interaction without making time for rest, repair, and relaxation. See your therapist, practice stress reduction, and make time for solitude or hobbies/interests that bring you into a flow state. Without this stress management, we will likely resort to emotional eating.
7. Sustainability & Being Kind to Self
   Instead of diving headfirst into a juice cleanse come January, I encourage you to continue to practice self-attunement. What types of exercise don’t make you want to skip them? What do you enjoy? What feels good to your body? Which foods are supportive? What kind of rhythm can you find in your body? Try to resist the urge to swing to the extremes. If you find yourself in an extreme during the holiday season, forgive yourself and move on. What’s sustainable now? What can we do differently starting right this moment to avoid the extremes? How can I be kind to myself, let go of the shame of imperfect choices and behaviors, and move in a sustainable way with food and exercise? If you ignored every one of these rules and you’ve already “blown it,” please be easy on yourself. Today is a new and precious day. 

Peace with food is possible. Enjoying a holiday is possible. Being more compassionate to and accepting of your body is possible. Let this holiday season be one where you do things a little differently. Be a bit more present, a bit more kind to yourself, and a bit more balanced. What a beautiful gift to be able to spend time with others, connect, and celebrate together. Focus on that and how you want to show up in these settings rather than the amount of calories in the mashed potatoes.

All my love,

Cina