A common misconception is that meditation brings nothing but peace and deep relaxation. Although this is certainly possible and even common, when we practice mindfulness meditation, a blissful mental vacation is not the goal. Our intention is to see clearly what is present and meet that with kind acceptance, even if what is present is anger, which has often been the case for me lately.

Acceptance has been my companion for decades. I’ve felt powerless as I lost family members and repeatedly readjusted, coped, and kept on swimming. While attending a silent meditation retreat recently, I realized how pissed I was about this. I watched my thoughts running through this inner story that after experiencing multiple traumas in my life and persevering, I was entitled to inner peace. As if I should not have to endure any more stress or accept anything else I don’t want to. Like I should have hit an acceptance threshold or met an acceptance deductible, then the meditation fairies would grant me the right to orchestrate the rest of my life in a way that would generate maximum pleasure, minimum pain. Turns out, my friends, it doesn’t work that way. Any sort of control is an illusion and all emotional states are temporary, which means peace will come and go, as will suffering.

I don’t want to scare you into thinking that meditation is dangerous – it is true that you don’t know what you will find in the recesses of your mind when you pay close attention. But although meditation broke me apart, it also put me together again, because a non-negotiable part of this game is kindness. My meditation practice, my breath, my own internal support system that has been strengthened through consistent practice, held me and supported me as I faced this part of myself I had hoped to keep hidden with other psychological pests like jealousy, greed, and shame. It had my back as I dropped the story and watched anger transform into grief and sadness, for which I offered myself compassion, understanding, and tenderness.

In effort to remain genuine, authentic, and honest – I must admit it took some serious effort on my part to generate self-compassion towards my anger. It is SO easy to sink into self-judgment if I am not happy, positive, upbeat, and peaceful as a “good” therapist should be. Therapist or not, I suffer from the same dis-ease as the rest of us – humanity.

You will hear me repeat again and again to bow to everything in your inner experience as a teacher. My anger is a teacher. All emotions, sensations, and distractions are just something else to “work with.” All of these mind states and experiences can offer valuable insight and opportunities for growth. The gifts of mindfulness are endless.

We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact,
we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us.
-Charlotte Joko Beck

Be happy, be angry, be however you are in this moment, just be aware of it.