by Cina Hoey | May 7, 2018 | Blog
An eating disorder. Bet you didn’t see that one coming, but it’s true. For anyone that has struggled with Binge Eating Disorder, or another addictive behavior (drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling, shopping, etc.), I feel your pain. And it is this pain for which I am most grateful.
Had I never experienced the personal agony of binge eating, I don’t know that I would have sought for answers and healing with the tenacity that I did. I needed a way out of the mental prison. Without that fire under me, I would not have taken up meditation to learn to tame my wild mind, nor would I have reached into the depths of my being to locate some part of me that was higher and stronger than my addicted self. I would not have read hundreds of books on spirituality, meditation, mindfulness, and personal growth.
It was through this process that I truly started to know my “self” as well as the human mind and it’s habitual tendencies and biases. Through a fierce dedication to a mindfulness practice, I’ve learned how to navigate my inner experience more skillfully and to utilize awareness itself in a way that allows for more peacefulness and eases suffering – the powerful craving for release from present pain.
Without Binge Eating Disorder as a companion for about a decade, as well as other heart-breaking losses and experiences, I wouldn’t have sought truth and a deeper meaning to life. It’s more likely that I would have remained on an auto-pilot mode, thinking everything was “good enough,” going through the motions, like many people do for an entire lifetime.
If you are facing some challenge in your life that you feel is torturous and unfair, I encourage you to embrace it. It is your greatest teacher. It is pushing you to grow and evolve in away that you would not be motivated to had you not had this experience. It is an opportunity. A gift. So if it feels like there is a rope tied around your heart, you can use it to strangle yourself further, or to climb to a new altitude. How you see your circumstances will affect your response. How you respond will affect your life.
Today, I am grateful for the pain that lead me to seek peace. I hope anyone reading this can today, or someday, say the same.
May we be happy, peaceful, and awake.
by Cina Hoey | Oct 31, 2017 | Blog
“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.”
-Omar Khayyam
It’s a well-known phenomenon that after major life achievements or reaching a goal that required a significant amount of time and energy, many people experience symptoms of depression. This can manifest as a lack of energy, feelings of sadness or irritation, and other unpleasant emotional states. Maybe you can recall a time in your life, even if you didn’t realize it then, that you fell into a slump after hitting a goal. Here’s why:
1. Striving is exhausting.
2. More importantly, the process feels good.
We clearly live in a goal-directed society. We are getting more and more advanced degrees and certifications, becoming entrepreneurs, striving for growth in all areas of our lives, achieving more, competing for scholarships, promotions, and first place. But, we are neurotically attached to the end goal, which blinds us to the unfolding of the present moment.
A mindful approach to goal-setting encourages us to release our attachments to outcomes. I know, I know, then what is the point, right? But really, what is the point? Do you think you will be finally fulfilled upon completion of this next great obstacle? Maybe. But will that last for always? Definitely not. You will find another goal to work towards to try to reach that same satisfaction factor.
As I mentioned, we expend a lot of energy in the striving. We think once we achieve our goal – graduate with a masters degree, renovate our kitchen, complete a marathon, achieve our ideal weight, land our dream job, meet our soulmate, make more money, or get a hundred likes on our instagram photos – that we will be happier. We think we will be better versions of ourselves. More fulfilled. Solid. Complete.
Research supports that working towards a valued goal generates feelings of well-being. So I want to be very clear that having goals is not a bad thing. Far from it! What I want to encourage is to utilize awareness each step along the way. The setbacks, the sacrifices, the parts that you wish to speed up to get to the “good” part – the end goal. But you can’t plan to have an emotion in the future. So as much as you have convinced yourself that you will be happy once you attain whatever you are working towards, remember that there is no other moment other than this one to experience anything, including joy and fulfillment.
So can you let go? Can you release your expectations, approach this moment and the one after with curiosity, patience, and trust? Can you be where you are without resistance? Without wishing for something to be different? Better? More? If so, you cracked the code. Happiness isn’t about getting everything you want or arranging your existence in a particular way that suits you. It’s about being with this moment, and this one, and this one, just as it is. Open, inviting, curious.
So set your goals and work towards them understanding that this is where you are today. “This is where I am today” is one of my most favorite things to say to myself. I will leave you with some wisdom from the great Lao Tzu, an ancient Chinese philosopher, who encourages an attitude of non-striving, which I will speak more about in a later post.
Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
You ruin what was almost ripe.
-Tao te Ching
Enjoy the process, because that’s all there is.
by Cina Hoey | Oct 15, 2017 | Blog
A common misconception is that meditation brings nothing but peace and deep relaxation. Although this is certainly possible and even common, when we practice mindfulness meditation, a blissful mental vacation is not the goal. Our intention is to see clearly what is present and meet that with kind acceptance, even if what is present is anger, which has often been the case for me lately.
Acceptance has been my companion for decades. I’ve felt powerless as I lost family members and repeatedly readjusted, coped, and kept on swimming. While attending a silent meditation retreat recently, I realized how pissed I was about this. I watched my thoughts running through this inner story that after experiencing multiple traumas in my life and persevering, I was entitled to inner peace. As if I should not have to endure any more stress or accept anything else I don’t want to. Like I should have hit an acceptance threshold or met an acceptance deductible, then the meditation fairies would grant me the right to orchestrate the rest of my life in a way that would generate maximum pleasure, minimum pain. Turns out, my friends, it doesn’t work that way. Any sort of control is an illusion and all emotional states are temporary, which means peace will come and go, as will suffering.
I don’t want to scare you into thinking that meditation is dangerous – it is true that you don’t know what you will find in the recesses of your mind when you pay close attention. But although meditation broke me apart, it also put me together again, because a non-negotiable part of this game is kindness. My meditation practice, my breath, my own internal support system that has been strengthened through consistent practice, held me and supported me as I faced this part of myself I had hoped to keep hidden with other psychological pests like jealousy, greed, and shame. It had my back as I dropped the story and watched anger transform into grief and sadness, for which I offered myself compassion, understanding, and tenderness.
In effort to remain genuine, authentic, and honest – I must admit it took some serious effort on my part to generate self-compassion towards my anger. It is SO easy to sink into self-judgment if I am not happy, positive, upbeat, and peaceful as a “good” therapist should be. Therapist or not, I suffer from the same dis-ease as the rest of us – humanity.
You will hear me repeat again and again to bow to everything in your inner experience as a teacher. My anger is a teacher. All emotions, sensations, and distractions are just something else to “work with.” All of these mind states and experiences can offer valuable insight and opportunities for growth. The gifts of mindfulness are endless.
We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact,
we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us.
-Charlotte Joko Beck
Be happy, be angry, be however you are in this moment, just be aware of it.
by Cina Hoey | Oct 3, 2017 | Blog
Have you ever played the game Spin the Dreidel? I’m not Jewish, but I’ve spun a dreidel or two. While spinning very quickly, they are like mini tornadoes – powerful, balanced, and sort of mesmerizing. Then they start to slow down and get wobbly until they finally just stop spinning altogether and fall over.
I think people are like dreidels. I know I am. I operate better at full-speed. If I don’t have a long to-do list or I have too much free time – when I stop spinning – I (metaphorically) fall over. Totally lose my balance. I overeat, undersleep, and neglect my meditation practice and the people in my life that care about me. Hurricane Irma hit South Florida a few weeks ago, and we were all forced to do just this. Stop spinning – working, communicating, traveling, netflixing, etc. Many of us lost power, couldn’t go to work, experienced damage to our homes and routines, and we have been scrambling to get our momentum back ever since.
I’ve discussed getting ahead by standing still because I truly feel it is essential to health and well-being. I believe we can all benefit from stillness each day through a formal meditation practice – but this is different. This is the ability to be still even without meditating. When I first started meditating I liked it because it felt like I was “doing” something. It was another goal to achieve, another item I could add to my day to really pack it all in and feel productive. If you’ve been practicing meditation long enough, you realize that is counterproductive to stillness and ease.
We must also be able to be uncomfortable in stillness. We practice the skills of allowing and letting be while we are in meditation so that during our lives we can easily recognize the unease and tension that arises throughout daily life and can respond with wisdom and compassion.
So what should you do when you realize you’re a momentum-less dreidel? When you stop spinning, freak out, and fall over?
Realize you’re knocked down
Understand the temporary and passing nature of the disruption – everything is temporary – especially the times when we feel flattened and out of control
Be compassionate with yourself
Get back on track when you can – you do this by engaging in whatever helps you to restore your equilibrium – meditation, writing, music, cooking, gardening, reading, exercising, eating well, spending time with loved ones, etc.
Know that this will happen many more times in your life!
Mindfulness is always the first step! Become aware of the discomfort and the possible harmful thought and behavior patterns starting to surface as a way to cope with distress.
Compassion is non-negotiable and becomes easier when you realize that you are just a product of the world you are a part of. The spinning has become our normal. The relentless pursuit of success and achievement. The busy life, multiple jobs, obligations, relationships, interests, and entertainment. It really just feels unnatural to have nothing to do for many of us.
And finally, remember the words of Socrates,
“Beware the barenness of a busy life.”
by Cina Hoey | Mar 25, 2017 | Blog
No one loves to plan more than me. My days are sometimes strategically arranged down to the minute. Working as a school social worker, having a private practice, and teaching meditation workshops make up a pretty full work week. If you’re anything like me, you have probably wished for either more time or a shorter to-do list.
My challenge has always been fitting in the things I enjoy, nurturing meaningful relationships, and making enough time for self-care – and sleep! I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they desperately wanted to add meditation into their life, there was just this one obstacle…time.
Laura Vanderkam says we have time for what we make time for and Arianna Huffington devotes a chapter to the modern epidemic of “time famine” in her book Thrive. “Time famine,” coined by Harvard Professor Leslie Perlow, demonstrates our society’s obsession with not having enough time for everything we feel we must do. Many of us possess this attitude, causing stress and anxiety to build up.
In order to counter this fear of the limitations of time, we must actually take a time-out. Stand still for a moment. Relax, enjoy, savor, recharge. There are 24 hours in a day. That’s 1,440 minutes. If you tell me you can’t find at least 10 to sit in stillness, I will say that you need 20. The clock isn’t the enemy. We have demonized time – like it’s intentionally working against us. It isn’t, we just need to shift our perspective and our priorities, because I know most of us have no problem wasting 15 minutes scrolling through our social media news feeds.
We are obsessed with getting ahead and getting things done. We find it nearly impossible to let it go and let it be. We are afraid we will fall behind, miss something, or lose the race, but by not taking time to sit and connect with ourselves we are completely missing the moment. Life is a string of moments, nothing else. That’s probably on a Hallmark card somewhere and it sounds cheesy, but it is true. Thich Nhat Hahn (I’m really name dropping a lot today) says we excel at preparing to live, however, we’re not so good at actually living. We plan and rush and fix and burn the midnight oil because we think it will bring us happiness, contentment, security, or accomplishment at some point. But what happens when we get there? A whole new race begins.
I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. I am very passionate about my work and there is always something I could be doing. Writing, reading, marketing, planning, etc. It takes mindful awareness on my part when I am pushing my limits. This is one of the ways we create balance in our lives. Mindfulness of our emotional and physical state is always step one. Know yourself, but most importantly, respect yourself.
Think about the next few days. How much of your time do you have devoted to experiencing joy, nurturing your heart, mind, and soul? Now how much time do you have devoted to what you think you “have to” do? Obligations, work, commitments, etc.
It’s completely ironic that we think by stopping to take the time to do things we enjoy – go for a bike ride, watch a sunset, have dinner with a friend, meditate – we will somehow be falling behind. That’s not life. That’s speed-racing to the finish line, which, by the way, is death. Trust me, we will all get there someday, what’s the hurry? What are we rushing for? Where do we think we are going? As soon as we check off everything on our to-do list, we will have a new one by the end of the day. Our relationships are suffering, our health is at-risk, and we’re operating on a robotic autopilot, yet we’re still hesitant to make a change. It’s like we’re being given a magical solution to all of our troubles and we’re skeptical about it. “Peace and joy? Sounds risky. I think I’d rather continue getting 4 hours of sleep per night and feeling irritated.” Taking the time to reconnect with ourselves and the peace that resides within each of us is no longer optional but essential.
This week try to spend just 10 minutes each day (out of 1,440!) in stillness. Find a guided meditation on YouTube, sit on a park bench, download one of the many apps to aid in learning meditation, or follow these basic instructions.
Do this for a week straight and see how it impacts your life. I have a sneaking suspicion you will not regret your time spent meditating, only that you didn’t start incorporating this ancient, life-enhancing practice into your routine sooner.
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